DIVERGENT CORNER

A funny thing about “high-masking” ADHD/autistic guy is that I can be in the middle of a full-blown meltdown and still look fly. I can be all dressed up, cracking jokes, sharing memes and getting things done all while being a full blown crisis.

Pre diagnosis, I had no idea what was happening during typical meltdows. I would just power through it, sometimes for hours and hours until I completely crash out. Recovery here, could take days, sometimes even weeks. I had no understanding what it was cos I assumed everyone was built like this and so I just needed to be stronger or push harder.

After my diagnosis, I had self awareness and self-mastery. I learnt how my brain works, how to maximise my strength and overcome my challenges. I developed very robust coping mechanisms that most times work like magic. I am now able to recognise early warning signs of sensory overload and potential crisis, and what to do to self regulate.

The problem now is that some days, none of it works. There are times when I would activate every coping strategy I have mastered and still find yourself completely out of control. That is when the panic and depression can set in, especially when I should be doing something important and need to be at my physical and cognitive best. God help me if I am not in work or supposed to be at work.

This is one of the reasons I don’t think the traditional 9-5 (career model ), works particularly well for some neurodivergent people. You either call in sick on your bad days which can be frequent, and risk getting fired for poor attendance OR you keep forcing yourself through the meltdowns until eventually it breaks you beyond repair.

The strange thing is that even during your worst period, you remain highly productive, most times even more productive than others. Even in full blown meltdowns, you are not necessarily been a risk to patients or incapable of doing your job. There have been times when I had to leave work and go home during a meltdown because I needed to protect my own health, not because I could no longer function.

The real problem is what happens to my tolerance when I am in crisis. It becomes extremely low. Things I would normally tolerate suddenly become unbearable. I cannot stand coperate bullshit, cannot sugarcoat things. I am much more likely to respond exactly as I feel in that moment. And that is when neurotypical people can interpret the behaviour as me lashing out, without necessarily understanding what is going on. You can still be working. You can still be producing excellent results. You can still be doing your job well. But your physical presence and attendance can sometimes matter more to a neurotypical manager than the quality of your work. That is where people like me can be disadvantaged. It is a system that prioritise performative presence over real output. On my good days, I can produce in one day, what might take others days or weeks to achieve. That is not me saying I am better than everyone else. It is simply the reality of how my brain can operate when everything comes together. The same brain, however, can reach its limits in ways that are difficult for other people to see because I have become very good at masking them.

I created this blog to try to explain what neurodivergent is especially my experience as a black man. I have written about it, was even hoping to make videos about the strategies and coping techniques that have helped me, particularly at work, mostly because I hoped they might help someone else. But last week, something shifted in me. A sudden, almost irresistible pull away from trying to make sense of my experience and towards something more fundamental, the experience of simply……..being. I will probably still make the video and write about this one last time, but my need for self-interpretation has given way to a deeper curiosity about the world that shaped me and the things that exist beyond it. Whatever this is, I think I have been catapulted into a new phase of self-awareness.