DIVERGENT CORNER

I am an incredibly difficult yet the simplest person there is; I don’t need anyone to tell me that. I don’t like people, and the feeling is very mutual. In fact, when I was about to get married, people who knew me personally actually felt sorry for Captain. The one question they kept asking was, “Za ta iya da shi? Tapdi jam.” Allah ya taimake ta

The truth is, before Captain and I started dating, I had absolutely no intention of ever getting married in my life. Not only because of my bad character, but also because I couldn’t imagine not being my authentic self for anyone els. It is incredibly daunting to act like a responsible man just to appeal to another human as a potential life partner.

My ultimate dream in life was to be that one classy bachelor uncle on permanent ghost mode. You know those kinds that everyone has forgotten even exist, the ones that momcies will appreciate just for even showing up at a function and be scared to scold so they don’t vanish again? A life completely devoid of pressure or expectations of responsible behaviour is what I was aiming for.

It was the perfect life I’d imagined for myself, but I am wise enough to know my mind can change, and if it did happen that I suddenly wanted to marry, I imagine I would be at least, 40 years old. The lady must be someone who has been through premium shege at the hands of men. That way, she will have very minimal expectations of me. She would be content just being married, and then there wouldn’t be pressure for me to be anyone’s “dream” or ideal husband, or for me to pretend to be normal. I imagined in the off chance that I decide to marry, she MUST be, at the very least, 30 years old and fully independent.

In my opinion, a twenty-something-year-old woman is still just a baby to be be honest. Life has not hit those ones yet. They are still just spoilt little brats with sky-high expectations of Prince Charming for a husband. I wasn’t going to be the one responsible for spoiling that fantasy for her, nor do I have the patience to start mentoring her on basic philosophical principles on which we need to navigate life as a couple. I have far more important things to focus on. That is her father’s responsibility.

I never imagined anyone, in their right senses, would love me enough to make the compromise or decide that it was me they’d settle for as a life partner despite seeing how broken I was. I knew from a long time ago that I am a severely broken man, and it was my go-to reason to get out of relationships. It is not the usual “it’s not you, it’s me” cliché. I just have an excellent ability to sniff out when a lady starts expecting responsible boyfriend behaviour from me. It didn’t help that I had a preference for women way out of my league.

Some other romantic relationships died a quiet, natural death. Just slow, cold, natural ghost mode until we became strangers again. No explanations needed. That way, I know for a fact that I have never broken anyone’s heart.

My position on marriage started shifting when Captain came into the picture and seemed completely unphased by the quirks that ordinarily would’ve got another person mad. I kept questioning the whole situation in my head: how one person, other than Naruru, is capable of having this level of tolerance, or could it be she just has amnesia? I remember telling her, like I’ve told others before, that I am not a very normal person. She was low-key confused at first. My explanation didn’t help either. I couldn’t find the right words to tell her I am a severely broken man. I do not know who I am yet, but I am 100% certain that I am not the normal everyday Jos boy.

I remember telling her, I can’t explain it, but the fact that I do not feel emotions like hunger, tiredness, happiness, sadness, love, grief, etc., the typical way people are expected to feel them, and the fact that I can seem very bright yet equally dumb all at once were the only explainable cues.

I went ahead to tell her that I have sought expert opinions in a bid to get to the bottom of my situation, but it has been a futile endeavour. Asheee little did local know, I just ADHD with a sprinkle of autism here and there, nothing too serious.

She was initially scared, but like a soldier ant, I am a workaholic. She soon forgot, and we moved past that stage. These days, I use it against her if I am losing a quarrel. I would be like, I told you many, many years ago that I am a disabled man. Stop acting like you only knew this after my diagnosis 2 years ago. I didn’t trick you into marrying me. I read you all the T&Cs, and you clicked agree. So no backsees.

Well, long story short, it was evident that my ancestors tailor-made a person just for me and that if I waited until I became as rich as I wanted or until I was 40 years old, I would’ve effectively blown away my only chance. For someone to love me unconditionally… In truth, this woman has been the bright spark in my otherwise dark and gloomy world. I remember promising her that I would build her a kingdom. Six years down the line, I have become a liability for her.

The last five years have been the worst time of my life. I died twice in pursuit of myself. My health has deteriorated to near minimum, my career effectively with it too. Most people don’t actually believe me when I say the last five years have been my worst. That’s probably because if you base it solely on milestones, it would seem like I am flying. I have grown tremendously as a person within these five years as well, but that growth meant I had to be burnt in order to be refined. It is that melting process that isn’t very obvious, and that is all because Captain is holding the forte. Be prepared because on my second coming, I am giving her the entire world. You lot better start sorting your living situation now. The need to fulfil the promise I made this woman is the reason I will come back a second time.