DIVERGENT CORNER

Preparing for yet another long term sickness meeting and I am just here imagining how my life spiralled down so fast. I hope for the best, but preparing my mind for the worst. I have had the unfortunate pleasure of attending a couple since August last year and I kid you not, these meetings are just formalities and nothing more. There is no genuine offer of support. It took me a while to realise.

They ask me the sames questions over and over, “how are you doing”? “what adjustments do you think you need”? and I am left sitting there, tongue tied, stuttering like ‘I don know, I really don’t know.’

Truth is, it is not like I don’t know what I want, but I dont know the extend of adjustments they can make for me considering the system operate within a tightly structured policy. I do not expect these policies to be adjusted just for my sake, I am not that selfish. So, I’m placed in the uncomfortable position of having to over explain my limitations, and feel as though I’m failing to provide answers, when in reality, the system itself doesn’t offer/allow the modification what would actually work for me, like work in a “Citadel” (library) or from home.

I am at my best when I am allowed to work within my tailored environment. It is where my mind becomes calm enough to be creative and structured enough to be highly productive. Away from the constant chit chats , interruptions, and the pressure of performative presence. It allows me to focus deeply and be the wierd all by myself. Speaking out loud to myself, pacing around and scribbling stuff on my vision board. This way, produce two to three times the output I manage in the office, where much of my energy is spent simply trying to cope rather than doing actual work.

Only recently I learnt that Neurodivergent professionals thrive with flexibility, autonomy, quiet environments, and task-based rather than time-based output. My productivity is not linear, or clock driven. I work most effectively when my contribution is measured by what I achieve, not how long I am physically present. In that setting, I can complete in a day what may take others several days or even weeks to complete. The NHS model is largely time-based, prioritising attendance and fixed schedules over actual output. This limits my ability to use my strengths. Those sickness meeting experiences has turned what should be a supportive process into something stressful and all I see is performative empathy.

I considered my options carefully. All my options are nothing but dead end, I tried an algorithm, I even drew a Venn diagram of my conundrum. My most preferred choice would be to return home, back to my home country. The last 5 years of my life has been nothing but hell and that is putting it lightly. Due to rigid NHS policies, I have had to move from Grimsby to Southampton to be with my wife because Grimsby won’t employ her due to UK immigration policies, costing me £4000 in the process to voluntarily terminate my contract, I had a retention clause. I stayed one year in Soton but soon had to leave again because they won’t offer me a permanent contract. Then to Wrexham where I was close to leaving after just one year because it seemed I wasn’t going to be granted visa extention. As a result, I have had four jobs in 5 years, my employment History is a disaster, no wonder no one would give me a job.

I need time away to recover, reflect and re-strategies. However, going back home comes with significant challenges, not only is it a logistic dilemma, it would mean leaving my life here, including my wife and home. The financial and emotional toll would be difficult to compensate. This option is not feasible, at least, not anytime soon. I have nothing going on for me back home anymore after miserable 5 years in the wilderness.

My second option is to take a career break, However, due to visa requirements and obligations, this option is not feasible, as it would jeopardize my visa and settlement status. The third option involves taking a career break but also potentially undertake a master’s degree during the period to maintain my visa and keep my career progression on track. Yet, I have been made aware that the nature of my contract, balancing cardiology and research contracts, makes this path complicated and not achievable.

The Last option for me is a full time Research position, but this is also not without obstacles. I wasn’t granted the “12 week temporary deployment” suggested during sickness review meeting as part of a phased return, There are no vacancies/Hours means this is not possible either. It is a frustrating cycle; each potential solution is blocked by significant hurdles. Ultimately, the core of my struggle is the mismatch between the adjustments I need and what the workplace can offer. The lack of feasible solutions has only worsened my predicament and the feeling of being a burden.

These sickness meetings cripple me with axiety, They now feel predetermined, as though a conclusion had already been reached long before I ever entered the room. What do you say to someone who is only committed to misunderstanding you?, actively looking for reasons to discredit my work?. For someone like me, someone who is always trying to reinvent themselves, to adapt, to improve, this is exhausting.

The adjustments on offer are structured, predefined, and conventional, whereas my needs are not. They are unconventional, and to ask for them would feel unreasonable, even selfish, because it would require the system itself to bend in ways it was never designed to. So when I say, ‘I don’t know,’ it is not a lack of insight, it is the only answer that fits within a structure that cannot accommodate my quirks.

The anxiety is not because I fear the people in the room, but because I already know how the conversation will unfold. It is repetitive, mechanical, and ultimately unproductive. The irony is that I love my work. I love research. There are tasks I can complete from the comfort of my home, in one or two hours, that would otherwise take two or three days in the office. My productivity is not diminished by absence; it is enhanced by autonomy. And yet, I am required to be physically present, to engage in conversations, in interactions, in structures that do not contribute to my output. My work is measured by my visibility rather than by my results, and this is only one of the misalignments.

Only recently have I come to understand why this misalignment feels so profound. For years, I was able to separate my personal struggles from my professional life. Even when my personal world was unstable, I could step into work and perform at my best.

The events leading up to my absence in August broke something in me. The repeated criticism, the emails, the sense of being constantly evaluated eroded my confidence in a way I have not been able to recover from. When I attempted to return to work, it was not because I was ready. It was because I believed that returning might help me recover faster, It was also because I could not afford not to return, It is financially crippling. But that episode showed me something clearly, If it had any doubts in the past, it was conclusive evidence that I could not function in that environment anymore. Not because I am incapable, but because I no longer feel safe.

I now find myself in a state of limbo. I cannot stay at home indefinitely without income, yet returning to work feels like a slow erosion of my mental health. I have to make a choice “lesser of two evils, die of hunger or psychological distress. I cannot work in a system that defines productivity in a way that is fundamentally incompatible with how I function. I do not struggle with the work itself, I struggle understanding people and structure surrounding it. The expectation of constant presence, interaction

I apporached my health situation from a philosophical and scientific angle. I created a personal algorithm to track what keeps me stable, my diet, my exercise, my sleep, my routines. I monitored everything deliberately over period of months, hoping to find consistency. I kid you not, the only consistent thing about me is my inconsistency. I could have four or five days of clarity, energy, and stability, followed by two or three days where I am completely depleted, unable to function, sometimes unable to even leave my bed even. It was frustrating, because I felt I had done everything “right,” and yet something was missing. And then came the moment of profoung discovery, the only variable I left out turned out to be the solution to most of my problems.

Reading! I Deep, immersive learnin. getting lost in the quest for new kmowledge. When I am engaged in learning, when I am reading, researching, exploring ideas is when I am at my best. My mood stabilises, my sleep improves, my mind feels clear, and I feel alive in a way that nothing else provides. It is not simply a preference; it feels like a necessity. I think this is how my mind and body regulates itself.

It is, in many ways, what keeps me well. So, I have come to a conclusion, my brain is my greatest asset, I have to preserve it. To remain well, I must nurture it in the way it demands. This is why I feel, with a sense of urgency, that I must return to school. Not as an escape, but as a means of survival. Because one of the deepest sources of my distress is not just my current situation, but the feeling of stagnation, the persistent sense that I was in a better place five years ago, that I am not progressing, but regressing. It is not just a professional crisis, it is an existential one. I do not expect the system to change entirely for me. I understand that I am, in many ways, an outlier. But I also cannot continue to force myself into a structure that is fundamentally incompatible with who I am.

The more I try, the more I break. And at some point, it becomes necessary to acknowledge that the issue is not effort, but fit. This letter is not written out of resentment, but out of clarity. A clarity that has come at a cost. I now understand that I cannot continue in this way, and that if I am to recover, to rebuild, and to function again, I must seek a different path, one that aligns not with what is expected of me, but with how I am actually built.