DIVERGENT CORNER

I have felt isolated for the best part of 2 years now even in the midst of family and friends. Many of you have this notion that, since l was able to cope fine with undiagnosed neurodivergence for the first 33 years of my life, why am 1 suddenly making a big fuss about it now and claiming l am not coping on my job. Well, You don’t say it out loud but trust me, your judgemental voice is louder than your fake love. You won’t know it because your mind is as deep as a puddle

It’s crazy how shallow minded people don’t see how the knowledge has actually changed my whole lens/ perspective on life. lt’s not that 1 suddenly lost capability; 1 guarantee you, if after 33 years you finally find clarity about something that’s been eating you up your whole life, 2- 3 years is not enough to undo all that trauma.

Today, I sit with a weight I never expected. I haven’t been able to work since July last year, I haven’t been able to walk into work without feeling like a stranger in my own life. The job that used to be a stable anchor now suffocates me.

Since discovering I’m neurodivergent, its like a blindfold was lifted. suddenly, all the compromises I used to make, all the parts of me I shrunk now scream loudly in every quiet moment. It’s like a truth I didn’t know that was missing, it wasn’t easy at all but it seems, but it was easier not knowing. But now that I see it, I simply can’t unsee it.

Since July, I haven’t worked, I tried to go back on 10th December to but I lasted less than 4 weeks. I decided to go back to work not because I was feeling 100% fit, but I felt like I should give it one more try, and secondly, because I couldn’t afford living without the money since now I am on half salary.

And so, even when I went back, I couldn’t cope, I quickly realised I have to prioritise my health, my body is even more important than the money. And yet, people still think as if I am doing too much, like I am over thinking this, like I am being too picky, too spoilt. But I am done.

I am done making myself small. I am done shrinking just to fit the box they feel comfortable with. This is my truth, and it is time I let it fill the space it needs. Until I am able to turn one of my hobbies into a job, I am afraid they’re going to have to deal with me in this state.